I wasn't going to do a blog today but, I figured that I should probably put down a bit of how I'm feeling. It has been a very frustrating and emotional day for me and the reasons why are for my own. I will list some of them here but, there are others that I think are too personal for others to read.
I woke up this morning feeling pretty good mental wise and as I rolled over to get up, I realized that maybe I wasn't feeling quite as good as I thought. I tried to stand up and the pain in my feet were so bad I had to take a second attempt to get out of bed and grab ahold of the dresser for support. I was almost crying and I fought back the tears to try and keep myself in the right frame of mind but, sometimes it just doesn't happen that way. Once I finally got into the shower I broke down and I knew that today wasn't going to be a good one.
I got to work almost 5 min late because it was a struggle to walk to work and I thought that I would be ok once I started moving around like normal. Obviously because I have been working myself so hard in these last few weeks my body is trying to stay caught up to me but at the same time it is telling me I need to slow it down. By the time I finished my shift I felt even worse than I was when I left and on the way home I called Jan and broke down again. I knew that the road that I was embarking on was going to be a tough road. I really didn't think it was going to be this hard.
I am so tired of being in pain. First it was my back, now it's my feet and back at times but mainly my feet. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I am also feeling stressed out because my last session with Jeremy is on Friday and I really don't know if I can afford the sessions to have him continue our journey and it bothers me alot. I feel that I still need some more guidance from him and I think he still has a lot more to teach me but at the same time, I have to try and figure out if it is really worth it or not.
If I do take the sessions, I will not be doing anything or seeing anyone, including my family until I am finished my journey. I don't think I will be able to do that. I am so family oriented that I need my family. I miss them alot. Not only will I have to put my family on hold for my health, but some of my friends will have to be put on hold as well. They will have to come see me at my place because I just wont be able to go out for coffee as much as I have been or go out for lunch whenever I want or go take that extra trip to Walmart like I want.
If I don't take the sessions, I know I will feel like I have given up and lose that motivation and drive to keep me going. I look forward to going to the gym twice a week and see Jeremy push me beyond the limits that I thought I could never get beyond. He helps me in many ways, mentally and physically and I think that if I don't continue I might just give up. I almost did today.
I told Jan today that I just felt like giving up on everything. I just can't stand being tired all the time and in pain all the time and really just not having any time for myself. Maybe that's being selfish, but sometimes in this life a person just has to do what's right for them.
I came to a decision tonight though, my boss had mentioned to me today that he thinks maybe I might need a little bit of time off. Just for me. I think he may be right so, I am thinking that in March, I might just do that. I am going to take some time off of work, off from babysitting, and maybe just take some time off from the gym to just take it easy and turn off the phone and do some r & r time for just me.
Tonight before bed, even though it was supposed to be a rest day, I did do my 4 regular stretches, and my ab crunches that I was supposed to do. Tomorrow I am planning on going to the gym with Nikki for 8pm so the blog will not be up anytime before 10 or even 10:30. I am going to talk to Jeremy about more sessions on Friday, and hopefully I will be able to reach a decision by then.
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